Friday, August 17, 2007

10 Things Catholics Will Never Hear God Say In Heaven

10. "Noooooooo... I meant I would build my Church on Peter's FAITH not Peter himself. You wouldn't believe how much I shook my head in disappointment up here in heaven as I watched the huge majority of my followers completely misinterpret this statement. In hindsight, maybe I should have sent Luther & Calvin sooner."

9. "Depart from me you evildoer into the fiery furnace prepared for thee. I can't believe how carelessly you consumed energy - running water while brushing your teeth - not recycling... How dare you treat my fragile planet that way. I just wish I had anticipated the abuse the Earth would take from you humans, I would have made it much stronger."

8. "Actually sola scriptura is true - it's another one of those mysteries... you know like a square circle and other thing thats don't seem to possibly be true. You'll just have to trust me on this one. Oh and the KJV really is my version of choice."

7. "How dare you Catholics honor my mother!"

6. "And what is it with these graven images? Do you not realize that I detest 3 dimensional objects? Ask Plato, (or any of your Protestant brothers) they got it."

5. "Why did you excommunicate my prophet Montanus? It took me another 1600 years to get that revival going again! Thank ... well me.. for the Pentecostals."

4. "Free will? Ability to co-operate with or reject my grace? Pshhhh.. Yea right. Calvin! Hey Calvin! Come over here and explain Pre-destination to these stubborn Catholics again."

3. "Keys to the Kingdom? Oh come on. You don't actually think that was a reference to Isaiah's prophecy do you?"

2. "Well I'm personally against abortion too but you know you have to separate faith and daily life - especially politics".

Drum roll please...

1. "I can't believe you actually took all those miracle stories seriously. Boy do you feel stupid."

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I laughed, I cried. I am def printing this out. VERY NICE.

Have you ever heard of those Calvinist Jokes that Mark Shea mentioned once in his blog?

Anonymous said...

4. "Free will? Ability to co-operate with or reject my grace? Pshhhh.. Yea right. Calvin! Hey Calvin! Come over here and explain Pre-destination to these stubborn Catholics again."

I take exception to this one, because
based on one verse in Scripture, from Romans , I have been told repeatedly by the Amsterdam Crowd that I can't possibly have peace with God, so how could we even be in heaven?

Joseph said...

11. "Don't mind that lady over there, she's just a Hebrew girl that I used as a vessel."

Joseph said...

12. "All of those nuns who prefer not wearing their habits were right. Reiki and labyrinths were the best ways to pray, foolish one."

Joseph said...

13. "I love clown Masses"

TheGodFearinFiddler said...

Hilarious. This could go on for a while.

japhy said...

14. I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the heavy metal worship music. What did you say?

Cure of Ars said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cure of Ars said...

15. [Holy Spirit answers phone] “Hello”, “Your wanting to talk with Jesus?” “Oh, ok...Would that be the historical Jesus or the Biblical Jesus?” "Oh, the Jesus Seminar Jesus...ok let me get him."

Anonymous said...

I laughed hysterically especially where God calls Calvin over to explain predestination again! The only thing I don't get is why you link Penticostals exclusivly to Montanus. The gifts of the Holy Spirit were at work in the church. The Fathers witnessed to this. There is only one Father (that I have found) who definately denied the continuation of spiritual gifts in the church ("power" gifts and speaking in tongues) and that was John Chrysostom.