Monday, February 25, 2008

Seven Ways to Convert a Catholic

Guys, I recently hacked into a fundamentalist web site and was amazed at what I found. Now that we know their plans, we'll be better able to defend ourselves.

Seven Ways to Convert Catholics -A Strategy Guide
by Rev. J.W. Uplinger

1. The Catholic has been brainwashed to view the Church as his or her "mother". Start out the conversation by calling their mother a whore... that is, the whore of Babylon. Point them to Revelation and ignore any rebuttals or complaints. Studies have repeatedly shown that the best way to convince others to agree with you is to begin with a strong insult (especially when directed towards a family member or other such dear thing).

2. Be sure not to study any Catholic doctrine before approaching a Catholic. Doing so may jeopardize your ability to clearly present the gospel.

3. Even some Catholics are unaware that they worship idols. Tactfully explain this to them. (By 'tactfully' I mean to merely assert it and offer no backup for your statement).

4. The Pope believes all Muslims go to heaven. Explain to the Catholic that Muslims and Buddhists go to Hell without exception just like he will if he doesn't stop being Catholic.

5. Catholic views are contradictory to Scripture and are entirely based on tradition. If the Catholic disagrees, stop thumping your bible and thump him.

6. If the Catholic ever mentions the word "Mary" in any context, immediately interrupt and say loudly "Where in the Bible does it say to worship Mary?!"

7. If the Catholic ever mentions the worst apostle, Peter, completely ignore what was said and tell him that Paul confronted Peter to his face. This proves that Paul is the best apostle and Peter was not the Pope.

Since I released this guide, some of you have been complaining that Catholics have not responded well to the above tactics. This is to be somewhat expected. Therefore, I have also included these three additional points. Since three is the number of the Trinity, it proves that I am right.

Handling a "know it all" Catholic

Many Catholics think they are well educated. Little do they know that God puts to shame the wisdom of this world. Reason and logic are tools the devil has been using since the garden of Eden to destroy mankind. Avoid reason and logic at all costs.

1. Do not (and this is important) under any circumstances actually respond directly to one of the Catholic's arguments. This is a devious tactic Catholics and demons like to use. They employ tools of argumentation to trap you into thinking logically. Make every effort to avoid the real issue. For example, if they point to the fact that the Ignatian epistles prove the early belief in the Real Presence simply remind them that they're going to hell and their mother is a whore.

2. If they start talking about tradition, quote 2 Timothy 3:16 "All scripture is given by inspiration of God". (Again, don't fall into the trap of thinking that your arguments need to make sense.)

3. If they try to use Scripture to defend their evil doctrines respond "you're taking that out of context" regardless of what they say. It's imperative that you not listen to the argument. Remember, they use a special version of the "Bible" which was modified by the Pope.
Well, at least now I know what several guests on my site have been reading. Take this guest for example (Kenneth). So you heard it here first - be prepared... they are (obviously).


Moonshadow said...

Like reading The Screwtape Letters ... got me chuckling ... good sleuthing!

Tiber Jumper said...

you been talking to the same folks who use to hit my blog! :)

God's Paintbrush said...

"Avoid reason and logic at all costs"

What? How does that even make sense. *shakes head* Poor fundamentalists. We really should pray for our separated brethren out of pity and love for their conversion. =[

God's Paintbrush said...

Ok... this HAS to be sarcasm posted by a catholic who wants to poke fun at Fundamentalists. Or so I hope. This is way too stupid to make sense to people. =\

Gretchen said...

Very funny post! One thing that always bothered me about those who oppose Holy Mother Church, is their unreasoning anger. It bubbles forth in a most aggressive manner, and they say some really vile (and untrue) things. The spirit of rebellion is deeply ingrained in protestant hearts, and they don't even know it.

Tim A. Troutman said...

Paintbrush - yes this is a parody. I see on your blog that you are considering becoming a nun - may God bless you!

------- Theo ------- said...

OK I have to admit you struck a chord with me. Only a few days ago I posted the entire portion of the Sermon on the Mount dealing with how we are to behave toward those who hate us. Being one who often fails at doing this properly, my only commentary was "May Jesus have mercy on me, a sinner."

Two of our non-Catholic friends said I was "using that scripture" like an "athiest or a Mormon" --totally out of context. One went on to tell me what it was I was "saying"--which turned out to be a surprise to me, since I didn't understand whatever it was. And here all I thought I was doing was relaying something Jesus said and applying it to my own life. May God bless us all.

I was more than a little bit amazed. It really did seem that the message they actually wanted to convey is, "If you are Catholic and quote anything from the Bible. it is 'out of context.'"

Contextually, your servant and brother in Christ,

Tim A. Troutman said...

Theo, you're not a real Catholic blogger until a Protestant slanders your religion (and then whines about ecumenism if you even hint at the possibility that his may not be the "Church" Jesus started).

So, welcome to the family!

Anonymous said...

Although I dislike legitimately "fundamentalist" rhetoric, I have tried hard to listen to Roman Catholics, their reasoning and their explanations of their faith. I find it, however, abhorrent to see an ex-Protestant without much integrity using a satirical site to fool most of his apparently misguided readership while lapping up all their derogatory remarks spurred ahead by their obliviousness to the satirical nature of the content.

Thankfully I don't follow your practice of evaluating a religion (like Roman Catholicism) by some of the worst elements among its adherents that I can dredge up. Perhaps you ought to stop imagining that your blog is a sovereign haven and at least pretend that you owe it to Christ to act like one of His servants.

Or are you still counting the cost?

Tim A. Troutman said...

Hey anon - I'm sure you wont be back but if you are how bout you stop the ad hominem attacks, convert to the Roman Catholic Church and then watch how all the Protestants constantly lash out against you with ... well more ad hominem attacks like the one you just made and other such baseless claims like the one I linked to.

In fact, as ridiculous as my little parody seems, it's not very far off from what many Protestants charge us with all the time. Come to the family - you'll understand what I mean.

In the mean time - I'll go back to pretending my blog is a "sovereign haven" of Catholic superiority and you can go back to ad hominem attacks for Jesus.


Míriam Bergo said...

"It's imperative that you not listen to the argument". What was that supposed to mean??? Oh mine! How I laughted!
Where did you pick it?

Christopher said...

This is foolishness, if you follow most of these steps you will most likely not convert anyone but be a stumbling block by making yourself look bad. I mean you must mature spiritually to be able to discern between righteous rebuke and foolishness which only leads to contentions. Be wise therefore and rethink 7 ways by the help of the holy Spirit!

Tim A. Troutman said...

Christopher - it's a joke ;-)