Let me remind everyone that while this event was inspired by an actual conversation, the characters (except Catholic) do not directly represent any real person. Some, if not all, of what they say has been said to me at different times by different Protestants and I've chosen the best of the best I think, to be fair. I did get a little carried away with this one, but if you ever read a post on my blog that doesn't go too far - you should probably suspect someone has hacked my account.
When we last left our hero: Catholic, there seemed no hope left. Objector had pulled "the Holy Spirit card". Was there any way Catholic could maneuver his way out of this one? Would he be shown to be a worshiper of Mary and false idols rather than Christ? Can he deny Objector's logic without "quenching the Spirit"? Stay tuned for this exciting episode of... D. O. A. (Dialogue on Authority) Queue theme music...
Catholic: You said that the Holy Spirit will spiral the true believer closer and closer into a perfect interpretation of Scripture. So why has the Holy Spirit spiraled you (Presbyterians) faster or more effectively than say the Pentecostals?
Objector: Come on…
Catholic: I think it’s a valid question.
(A mutual friend, Simplicio, joins the conversation)
Simplicio: Hi guys what’s the topic?
Catholic (eyes squint as he assumes a distant, and profoundly heraldic expression): Simplicio you attend a contemporary mega “church”, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.
Simplicio: But I just…
Catholic: STAND DOWN SIMPLICIO!!! YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR LE…
Objector: Let him be.
Catholic: ….Fine. Where were we? Let me rephrase the question. Surely Christ left us some sort of objective measure of how we can know Truth. I don’t think your view of the Holy Spirit helping the individual achieve exegetical perfection is a supplement to your conception of “Church authority”, I think it’s a poor way of sidestepping the circular argument we’ve already demonstrated you to be using. In reality, it creates only a small circular loop within your overarching circular argument. What is a Church? - It is whichever group preaches Biblical doctrine. How do we know what Biblical doctrine is? The Holy Spirit helps us. So now here’s my question to show we have firmly returned to our circular track: how do we know whom the Holy Spirit is helping and whom He isn’t?
Objector: Well, as I said, this isn’t something that can be put in a test tube and experimented on.
Simplicio: Guys, Jesus said “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have ever lasting life”. I don’t see where that says we need to worship the saints.
Objector: Ok I change my mind, Simplicio… you’re out of your element.
Simplicio: What? I just quoted Scrip..
Objector: Simplicio you EMBARRASS ME!
Catholic: Ok, now I’m not talking about performing scientific tests on the Holy Spirit. I’m talking about knowing what Christianity is in an objective way. Your view does not allow that. It is reduced to either circular logic or a non-falsifiable subjectivity depending on how we approach it. We cannot know what “Church” is since your definition is circular. We can add the Holy Spirit to the me-Jesus-and-the-Bible trio but then we end up with subjectivity. Answer me plainly, is it possible to know the gospel objectively?
Objector: The gospel, at least the essentials, are evident in Scripture. In this way, Scripture is an objective method. We can call it “my opinion” of Scripture or “your opinion”. But we don’t need the Pope to tell us the plain meaning of the essentials of Christianity found in Scripture.
Simplicio: Yea!
Catholic: Oh really? So then per James 2:24 you agree that we are justified by faith and works and not faith alone?
Simplicio: The Scriptures do not say that.
Catholic: Yuh huh.
Simplicio: Nuh uh.
Objector: You’re taking it out of context.
Catholic: By whose estimation?
Objector: Look..
Catholic: Just answer the question. Again, your interpretation says that I’m taking it out of context. Your ecclesial community has a given interpretation here which openly mutilates the plain meaning of it according to my personal estimation (and that of what I consider to be the Church). We’re back to square one AGAIN. How can you not see how circular this is? We have seen that even in the simplest, basic fundamentals of Christianity, we cannot come to an agreement on the meaning of a text because we do not agree on an objective means by which to know the truth of it for certain.
Objector: …
Catholic: If Christ did establish a visible Church, what would she look like, or how would we know it?
Objector: I haven’t denied the visibility of the Church.
Catholic: The “Church” you call visible was founded at a specific date in time. June 11, 1936 to be precise. How can this be the one Christ founded?
Objector: I’m impressed you knew that date.
Simplicio: Objector, you wouldn’t be so impressed if you realized that you’re a mere figment of his imagination and that he paused the very sands of time in our nonexistent world while researching the matter on Google. (Squints his eyes at the Catholic)
Catholic (stunned): Simplicio, that’s the most profound thing that’s ever come out of your mouth.
Objector: Well, you have strong arguments Catholic; I’ll give you that. But at the end of the day what really matters is whether or not we are serving Christ and whether we can embrace each other in unity.
Simplicio: Yes, Jesus prayed for us to be one. And it’s like Peter said “you know I love You Lord”. God knows our hearts. He knows we are trying to serve Him the best we can.
Catholic: !!!
Objector: He also said “I give you the keys to the kingdom”. We have the keys to Christianity, Jesus promised them to us.
Catholic: !!!!!!!!!!
Objector: Catholic? Are you ok? You’re turning red!
(Ambrose Anglican takes a seat at the table. The plot thickens…)
Objector: Oh, let me introduce my friend Ambrose Anglican, his friends call him Anglo. He just flew in from Manchester.
Anglican (thick British accent): Cheerio then.
Catholic: Hi.
(Simplicio is mysteriously found to be missing…)
Anglican: Pardon my ignorance but were there not three of you lads?
Objector: He was a Bapti.. I mean non denominationalist. He must have been raptured. Too bad we’re “left behind”.
Anglican: It is rather difficult to secure a ticket on a train one doesn’t believe exists.
Catholic: Ok Objector, Simplicio quoted from John 17 and then John 21 and then you quoted from Matthew 16. These are all Catholic proof texts for the papacy! First Jesus prays that the Church will be one. Also in John 10, Jesus prophesies that there will be one Shepherd and one flock. Then in John 21 He explicitly tells Peter to “feed my Sheep”.
Objector: Well that’s reading a bit much into the text.
Catholic: Back to square one! According to you and your 70 year old ecclesial community it is, but according to mine it’s not. I need a bell to ring every time we return to square one you know. Now again, you quoted Jesus giving the keys to Peter.
Anglican: Were they given to Peter or to the disciples?
Catholic: To Peter. The Greek is singular there and the following “you” is plural “whatever you bind and loose” etc… Is it so hard to conceive that the Church which has demonstrably existed for 2000 years with provable succession from the Apostles and remaining until this day in communion with the successor of Peter is really the visible Church that Christ founded?
Anglican: If I may, it is possible to believe in the visible Catholic Church without assenting to the Primacy of Peter (I mean beyond honorary primacy of course). I am Anglo-Catholic you know.
Catholic: No. You’re not Catholic in any meaningful sense of the word.
Anglican: Oh poppycock!
Catholic: See, a real Catholic would never use such a word.
Objector: Anglican is right, reading the papacy into those verses is stretching the text beyond credibility.
Catholic (rings a bell loudly): I actually happened to have this in my pocket. Square one Objector! Square One! That’s about 17 too many return trips to square one. I know of only one way to settle this circular hermeneutico-babble. I learned this one from jolly ol’ Saint Nick.
Catholic stands up abruptly and throws the table aside. Without hesitation he punches Objector square in the jaw, knocking him out cold.
Anglican (evil chuckle): You fool. I was stationed in both Japan and China during my missionary days as an evangelical. There I mastered the art of Kung fu and later became a ninja for side money (missionary pay is terrible you know, and Tokyo is really expensive).
Catholic: A British ninja? You’ve got to be kidding me!
Anglican: Silence! Prepare to duel, papist!
Where will this end up? Will Catholic be able to repel the ruthless attacks from the anglo-ninja? Or will he be able to suit up with the full armor of Christ? Is a Catholic even able to wear spiritual armor since it was Paul who first mentioned it? Join us next time to find out the conclusion to this ridiculous mini series.